So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.
If you’re reading this blog you likely have seen some earlier posts which go back to 2015. I first made the blog when I moved to Alberta and knew not one single person. School hadn’t started yet and I didn’t have a job and Rob worked away in camp.
I filled all my days by trying brand new recipes and eating extremely strict and disciplined. Cutting out all sugar, dairy, grains, processed foods. It was easy at the time because I didn’t have any other commitments. I didn’t even have to leave the house if I didn’t want to.
After some time I obviously felt fantastic, shed some extra weight, skin was glowing, hair was long and healthy, just felt good. I even had Rob on board and we spent hours in the kitchen crafting up fun and new recipes every days off. We both were feeling and looking our best.
Slowly, as I started school, met a couple friends I started to have more of a social life and since I had been pretty lonely when Rob was at work I told myself you know eating this way is amazing but if it means turning down a social opportunity that I’m clearly lacking then I don’t think it’s worth being that strict about it. So I would make some exceptions here and there.
I think we can all relate in some way or another when over time a few exceptions here and there become more and more frequent. As I eventually made more than just 1-2 friends, I started to have more and more social events – dinner out, drinks with girlfriends, birthdays, celebrating end of exams etc. Well fast forward one year in 2016 I was fairly medium on the scale of discipline. Wasn’t eating nearly as clean as 2015 but still considered myself a really avid cook and healthy eater. I would come home from school and Rob had made dinner and even a separate dish for my lunches all with healthy ingredients (which he still does). When we had drinks we would try to stick to craft beers and vodka sodas. Anyways somewhere along the way I (we) kind of fell away from this lifestyle and all of a sudden I’m in the end of 2017 looking back through 2 years of blog posts and almost over come with a heavy sadness that I didn’t stick to all the changes I had made.
Sugar, dairy, grains, and sometimes just straight up junk had crept it’s way back into my life. I don’t even know when or how. I see some photos from 2 years ago at my peak and I am like wow my skin is so clear, my jaw line is defined and those pants fit! Reflecting on the current moment my skin is not clear, my face is soft, and those pants do not fit!!! It’s really hard to see a picture where you know you look and feel better than you currently do and not be extremely hard on yourself and feel guilty for that. I guess I know that keeping that strict of guidelines for myself actually wasn’t realistic for longevity and I know that I was so glad to create a social circle and have interaction with people and I do not regret that part of it. I also know feeling bad, guilty, hard on myself etc won’t change anything but if I’m being honest that’s how I do feel at times. I can’t help but think “imagine what state I would be in right now if I had continued that for 2 years straight”. I mean when I was eating that clean I wasn’t really exercising in the gym although I was walking about an hour a day on weekdays. Now I find myself going to the gym on weekdays before work. IMAGINE I had combined the strict clean eating with the gym. I bet it would have been amazing.
Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite too because if someone brings up a nutrition topic or something about a food, I want to share all the information I gained when doing all my research because truly I’m still very passionate about cooking and healthy food, but then I’m like “you don’t even practice what you’re saying”.
I also realized that at some point a lot of my clean products like shampoo and stuff got a bit lost in the mix. I am definitely wanting to make it back to really clean products and switch my makeup to clean brands.
Obviously when I started this blog I was suffering from extreme boredom and a fierce motivation fill my time and to change my life. I was looking through my archived posts the other day and saw the frequency go from daily, weekly to a gap of 6+ months without posts. I guess in a positive way, I am busier now than ever which means the whole reason the blog was created has been fulfilled. I’m working full time in a career that I went to school for and actually love. I have friends from school and co-workers now that I spend time with after work and weekends, Rob and I are happier than ever and feeling very secure and excited for our future.
Honestly, I’m not really sure the point of this ramble. I think it’s just that I’ve noticed a big slip in dedication to clean eating, that I’m ready to acknowledge and face again. Maybe not quite as clean as 2015 because I do still want to accept invites out and be a part of things. Maybe I don’t want to be blogging daily again as I don’t have the time for that, but maybe I want to re commit to posting more regularly. And maybe I want to motivate Rob and myself to shape up for our wedding so we can look back and be happy with what we see. To be fair I do still make 90% of all my meals at home and still prep my lunches for the week on Sundays. I think it’s just all the extras in between these times that I’ve allowed back in.
Overall things are really good. My career is going well, I love what I do and it’s always interesting and rewarding, although stressful at times. Rob and I are both working hard and now that I’m working full time I can actually contribute equally to the household which is a really good feeling. I also for once have something to provide to us that neither of us had before – medical and dental benefits. I’m proud of that! For as much as he’s supported me through university and taken care of things when I wasn’t making any money, it’s so satisfying to have completed that and now I can offer something in return, not that he would even ask. We’ve almost been engaged for a full year now and can officially start planning in January (eeek). We are also looking to purchase our first home in the spring.
I’m still home sick at times and miss my family. Especially now that I have a little niece who is cuter than ever and I want to see every day. Thankfully I do have a job that allows me to take some time off every year and I do get some long weekends that I will be able to take advantage of and go home. It is nice to not be spending all of my money on tuition and spare time on assignments. I can actually save for visits and have the time to do so. I am aiming to visit 4 times a year or so going forward. Much more often than the 1-2 times a year over last couple years in school.
So really I have no reason to look back and feel bummed about lost progress or how things could be right now when things are actually really good. I definitely do have a renewed desire to get my shit together again nutrition wise.
I have a friend visiting next weekend so you know I’m going to go out for dinner and have drinks. We are going to have a really great weekend enjoying city food and having fun. December is also hard but I swear January – Whole30 reset and really time to shred for the wed.
I honestly have no idea if these rants even get read but it feels good to acknowledge some faults and re commit to working on them. So going forward I’m going to try and be realistic and reasonable yet more consistent and disciplined. I don’t have to be HARDCORE for 1 year and then slide, I want to be pretty healthy and consistent long-term.